i barfeds in our rink
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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