You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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