She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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