she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
