That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
