I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
