I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
