maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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