His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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