Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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