do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
