i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
