moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
