I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
