I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
