You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
