who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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