The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
