She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
