why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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