My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
