my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
