that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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