I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
