maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
