He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
