How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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