i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
