i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
