i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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