We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
