Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
