I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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