someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
