You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
