Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
