I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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