He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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