You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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