cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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