It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
