Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
