never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
