get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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