Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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