DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
don't judge my taste in strippers
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
