and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
