Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
