I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
