he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
