a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
