I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
