I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
