I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dicks are not precious.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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