I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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