I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
