Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
