i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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