During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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