So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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