I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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