I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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