So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
